Marriage of Alliance
by saunatonttu
Summary: Sanji and Luffy team up to pull a prank on Law. Shit ensues. Rating T, might turn to M for sexual themes later on. Humorous, not serious at all.
1. Love Letter

**A/N: **So, basically tumblr use tofyuu and I created something hilarious with out crack headcanons, and this is the start of the crack condensed into a fic.

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><p><strong>marriage of alliance<strong>

chap. I

Love Letter

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><p>As usual with love stories, it started with a fight.<p>

And not one of those hissy who-removed-the-CDs-from-their-cases types, but an actual I'll-punch-you-in-the-face-and-shove-a-spear-up-your-ass kind of fight.

Well, for Sanji, it was more like yeah-I'll-literally-kick-your-brains-off, but he wasn't really into this shit because all he got were the underlings of Marines, and that just didn't fire him up in the least. What did fire him up was the asshat of a marimo clashing swords with the cute Tashigi-chan, but through throngs of people it was difficult to go slam Zoro down to the ground for exercising violence against beauty.

But what _really_ started things wasn't his or Zoro's fight.

It was Trafalgar Law's.

Sanji bit on his cigarette as he glanced at Law, wrinkling his brow as Law kept hopping out of the Vice Admiral Smoker's way. (That's right, yeah, that smoke bastard became a Vice Admiral during the past two years…)

There had been something distinctly off about Law lately — well, the fact Doflamingo had been beaten probably explained his eerie happiness — and while Sanji wasn't exactly curious about it, it bothered him. Especially since Law seemed to have taken a liking to hanging around Sanji. The silent company wasn't bad, but when compared to Law inching away from him before he Dressrosa adventure, it felt odd.

Now, watching Law's body language from a distance, Sanji finally fucking got it.

The flustered look that briefly crossed Law's face when Smoker's smoke breezed by was a fucking giveaway.

_Oh my fucking hell, he has a thing for smokers, doesn't he?_

Sanji probably should have figured it out earlier, but that would have made things awkward, he thought to himself as he evaded another Marine's unskilled display of swordsmanship and in the same breath he sent the man off with a kick.

Seeing Law's teeth grit together, and facial muscles tighten, Sanji wanted to laugh. What the fuck. The guy had it so bad, didn't he? Bad enough for it affect this situation, and even Smoker seemed to pick up on that fact.

"Oi, oi, Trafalgar," Sanji heard Smoker's baritone over the sounds of swords clashing and groans of pain, "this isn't like you. What's the matter? You look like you're about to fall on your ass."

_Maybe he'd rather fall on your dick_, Sanji thought, and he snickered to himself as an idea crawled into his head.

"Oi, Smoker, maybe the guy's got a crush on you! Have you ever thought about that?" Sanji yelled over the sounds of his own crew mates and Smoker's subordinates, but Smoker gave no sign of even having heard of it. Law, however, did, as did some of the Marines, but Sanji focused more on the dark look Law gave him with narrowed eyes and thinned lips.

_Yep. Right on target._

The rest of the fight went smoothly, except for Law, who withdrew from Smoker as quickly as possible with as little damage as possible.

Sanji cackled the whole way to the Sunny.

While he may have liked Law's character better than Zoro's, that didn't mean he wouldn't tease Law mercilessly about his fixation.

It was going to be _glorious._

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At first Smoker hadn't given it a thought. He had heard the gleeful remark, had recognized the words, but he hadn't thought too much into it in the heat of the battle as he tried to get what wounded pride he had back from Law, who had stolen it in the first place in Punk Hazard.

In fact, he hadn't thought much about it until he had settled himself comfortably onto his bed, a think blanket pulled over to his naked chest.

The memory crept upon him like a spider crept upon its prey once it was tangled in the web, and Smoker was, shamefully, helpless to stop the thought from bothering him.

_Maybe that guy's got a crush on you! Have you ever thought about that?_

Trafalgar's face hovered into his mind like a ghost, and Smoker's hands clenched around the blanket as the memory image of Law smirked like a goddamn cat.

Smoker hated cats.

And he hated— well, not Law specifically, but pirates in general.

Why in the world would Law—

These broken thoughts slowly connected together when Law thought about the face Law had worn during the last fight, and that made Smoker's eyes pop open and his hands to reach out for his cigarettes.

After shakily lighting three of them, Smoker whispered, "Holy shit."

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"Tashigi," Smoker began as he looked through the reports (full of shit as usual, and much less important than the predicament Smoker found himself in), "do you suppose Trafalgar has… romantic intentions… regarding me?"

Tashigi's attention, at first, had been grabbed by the incredibly meek tone Smoker used — she was instantly worried — but her concerned expression transformed into a baffled one as Smoker reached the end of his question.

"Smoker-san…" What was the most polite way to ask your boss if they have been smoking pot? Again?

"I mean," Smoker continued, as his permanent frown deepened, "a pirate and a Marine? This is a question of justice. Or the question on my mind is 'what the hell', but…"

Was Smoker _rambling_? Tashigi simply stared at her superior and long-time partner-in-justice. "What makes you think that Trafalgar… feels that way?" Did she even want to know? Tashigi asked herself this, but she steeled her resolve. For the sake of Smoker's inner peace, yes, she needed to know.

Smoker set his paperwork down and turned fully to Tashigi, one leg over another as he entwined his fingers together. "It's what Black Leg said during the last encounter with the Straw Hats and the Hearts." The five cigars hanging from Smoker's mouth trembled slightly.

Tashigi stared at her superior officer —_ really_ stared, like there was a sixth cigar growing out of his cheek or something equally disturbing. "What did he— say?"

Thankfully they were alone in the office, the door locked, though Tashigi didn't know whether to feel reassured or worried that she may not have an escape route ready from the apparent madness of Vice Admiral Smoker.

_Get a grip_, she told herself. _Smoker-san needs your support… more than ever, apparently._

"It was after I questioned Law about how weakly prepared he seemed to be for our fight, and Black Leg quipped that maybe Law 'has a crush' on me." Smoker's eyes narrowed and— was he sweating. Tashigi stared at the sweat drops lingering around Smoker's temples and oh my god he IS sweating. "It's a disturbing thought, isn't it, Tashigi?"

Tashigi bit her lip, unsure which one was more disturbing — the presumed feelings of Trafalgar Law, or Smoker's reaction to them. "Smoker-san, you're overreacting. I'm sure Black Leg was simply jesting — it seems to be in his nature." She thought back to the Punk Hazard incident, and pursed her lips.

Smoker shook his head slowly, disbelievingly, and gave Tashigi a look. "No, Tashigi, you don't get it. Law looked at me. He looked at me." Smoker waved his hand to make a point, the smoke from his cigars slowly engulfing the whole room, and Tashigi went to open a window.

"Smoker-san," she sighed, and wondered where her level-headed superior had disappeared off to, "that is what people do when they try to dodge blows from an enemy."

Smoker snorted, another puff of smoke floating up. "Not like this, Tashigi. His eyes…"

Tashigi turned around from the window and returned to her superior, placing her hands on his shoulders, and looked at him right in the eye.

"Smoker-san," she said, calm and collected and very concerned, "_please chill_."

"Yeah, Smokey!" a chorus of voiced echoed from the outside, and both Smoker and Tashigi were startled. "Take a chill pill!"

Smoker just grumbled, "Fuck you, guys," and went back to work.

Tashigi, meanwhile, considered indiscreet ways to measure Smoker's temperature.

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"What the hell was that about yesterday?" Law muttered to Sanji, eyebrows knitting into a firm frown as Sanji took his well-earned break from the kitchen for some smoking.

Sanji shrugged, hiding the smirk that threatened to slip onto his lips. "I should ask you the same. You were _awful_ out there, Law."

"I am still recovering from Dressrosa," Law said, a hint of ice to his tone, as he huffed and leaned against the railing, his back facing the ocean.

"Sure you are. Luffy's already jumping around like the dumbass monkey he is."

"Straw Hat-ya is… a bit unique that way." Law's voice suggested that this was putting it lightly, and it really was, Sanji could agree with that.

"If you say so." Sanji purposely exhaled a thick ring of smoke, and watched Law's expression twitch from the corner of his eyes. Yeah, Law got it bad, and Sanji wasn't even as bad a smoker as, well, _Smoker_ was.

Sanji lamented Smoker's parents' naming skills. They really did set up their kid for shit.

Still, nothing was going to stop Sanji from playing a prank on Law… and Smoker. Serves Law right for being so damn mysterious throughout the Punk Hazard and Dressrosa times.

Sanji's lips curved up. But first, it would be boring if he was the only one in on this plan.

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"Wanna prank Law?" Sanji whispered to Luffy, though there was no need for it, seeing how no one else was in the men's quarters. Sanji had dragged Luffy over there for this very reason.

Luffy's eyes seemed to lit up, just as Sanji had expected them to. "Oooh, a prank! I was getting bored just lying around-! Should we put some bread to Trafuffle's food!"

"That's not exactly what I had in mind…" Sanji started, lips twitching in amusement. "Let's do that too, but hear me out, okay, Luffy?"

Luffy stared at him expectantly, clearly excited by the idea of pranking Trafalgar Law, and Sanji found it almost endearing if he didn't remember Luffy was just as ready to prank any of his actual crew at any time he was bored enough. That thought made Sanji sober up a little.

"Okay, so, Law has this thing… for smokers."

Luffy stared at him uncomprehendingly. "Wait, are there several Smokeys? Woah, that's cool—"

Sanji nearly slammed a hand on his own face. RIght. He was talking to an idiot. "Let me rephrase that — Law has a thing for Smoker."

Luffy opened his mouth, but Sanji raised a hand. "Let me finish before you say anything, idiot. So, what I had in mind is…"

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A few days later, Tashigi stepped into the office she shared with Smoker without suspecting a thing. All was well, and Smoker had recovered from Black Leg Sanji's words somewhat, much to Tashigi's relief.

All was well… until Tashigi noticed Smoker sitting on his desk, face frozen in something very close to shock.

"…Smoker-san?" It didn't seem like good news, and for a moment her anxious heart feared Smoker had been demoted for whatever reason the higher-ups came up with—

"I was right, Tashigi. I was _right_." Smoker's voice was tense and his cigars threatened to fall from his lips. "I fucking knew it."

Tashigi stared at him, not comprehending what Smoker was talking about. Nevertheless, she was worried. "What is it, Smoker-san? What's that letter you're holding? …From the higher-ups?"

Smoker's hand clenched around the paper, his knuckles turning white with the strain he put on them. "I have read it twenty times now," Smoker began, his eyes distant but his posture angry and confused. "I don't understand it, Tashigi. I just don't."

_Take a chill pill_, Tashigi wanted to repeat the words of their subordinates, but kept her mouth shut as Smoker raised his eyes to meet her gaze.

Smoker didn't say anything. He just stared, and it wasn't his usual, intense stare Tashigi at times found unnerving but also very inspiring. This gaze was just… lost, like a little child's, and while she was worried, Tashigi felt increasingly annoyed by not knowing what was going on with her superior.

"Smoker-san, give me that letter," she said, voice neutrally polite as she wedged the letter from between his clenched fingers, miraculously not tearing it into pieces as she pulled it out and opened it for her to see.

_Hey smokey, I am gay 4 u._

_XOXO, Trafalgay Law_

Tashigi stared at the piece of paper blankly for a good few minutes, during which Smoker smoked his cigars aggressively silently.

Smoker, surprisingly, broke the silence. "See, what Black Leg said wasn't a lie, after all."

Tashigi couldn't find any words to correct Smoker's statement, and perhaps it was better not to — Smoker was a stubborn fellow when it came to whatever he believed, and… apparently he believed Trafalgar Law to be in love with him.

_Is this what it means to be a Marine?_ Tashigi wondered as she pressed a palm to her forehead, feeling a migraine coming on due to both this letter and Smoker's smoking and delusions.


	2. Confrontation

A/N: I'm crying. This is the crackiest story I have ever written.

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><p><strong>marriage of alliance<strong>

chap. 2

**confrontation**

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><p>.<p>

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Sanji found it very hard to keep his pokerface around Law since the day he and Luffy had sent the letter to Smoker via seagull mail, but if he was having difficulties, then it was outright impossible for Luffy to keep a straight face around the man with the overly complicated name that gave way to too many puns and jokes.

"What's wrong with _you_ idiots?" Nami wondered out loud as she watched both Sanji and Luffy bend down, both clutching their stomachs as they laughed after Law had retreated into the men's quarters for a while.

"Ahahah… sorry, Nami-san…" Sanji managed to gasp between his fits of laughter as Luffy literally rolled on the grass on the deck, guffawing so hard that every soul within the radius of three miles probably heard him. Including Law, but he probably thought they were all nuts by now, so who cared.

Nami shrugged, though she seemed perturbed that it was _Sanji_ laughing with Luffy and not the usual goofs named Usopp and Chopper.

"Oi, Luffy," Sanji managed to say once they were left alone again, "pull yourself together. Save the laughter for when Smoker and Law meet again."

Luffy's eyes were wet with tears, and the captain nodded as he rubbed the water off of them, lips twitching and breath shaking as Luffy tried to contain his laughter for once. "Sanji, I'm hungry, though. Meat?"

Sanji nearly cracked up again. "Yeah, yeah, I'll prepare your meat."

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Tashigi pressed her forehead against the palm of her hand, eyes closed as she tried to alleviate her ever-growing headache. This was a fool's trip, a lunatic idea that she had in her insanity fed to Smoker — "_if it bothers you that much, why not just go find him and demand an explanation?"_ — and she had regrets deeper than the deepest ocean.

This was _stupid, _first and foremost, and Tashigi contemplated whether all this was the result of Smoker's sexual frustration their subordinates kept murmuring about in jest.

Watching Smoker down another bottle of whiskey, Tashigi thought that _yes,_ that was most likely the case, and she took her vodka shot in one go to erase that thought.

She didn't need the mental images the thought about a sexually pining Smoker gave her, but alcohol wasn't the answer as she found out. In fact, vodka only made her imagination all the more rich and opened up new possibilities.

And she was just so mad. At Smoker. At Trafalgar Law. Smoker for getting so riled up over the goddamn letter. At Trafalgar Law for sending such a thing in the first place. (Had he sent it? Tashigi, at first, had firmly believe it to be a prank, but the more she thought about it, the more likely it seemed that Trafalgar Law enjoyed trolling the Marines enough to pull this shit.)

It was the fifth day of their voyage, and Tashigi just wished she could take back her words about going to look for Trafalgar.

There was not enough chill pills in the world to make Smoker-san calm down now, her rational side reminded, and it was a good point.

"Smoker-san," she began, her lips pursing when Smoker didn't even raise his head to notify her of his attention. "How many times have you read that letter already? Let it go."

_Let it go,_ she wanted to scream, but she was the one that drove them to this trip, and she wouldn't abandon Smoker on his quest for… Trafalgar booty? Inner peace? Confirmation on whether his obsession was requited or not?

Formerly, Tashigi would have placed her bets on the second one, but now — with alcohol buzzing pleasantly in her head — she wasn't so sure. God, maybe there was _somehing _in that tension between Smoker and Law back then at Punk Hazard.

The thought made Tashigi want to cry — not because she had feelings for Smoker, but because this was _nonsense._

"I can't let it go, Tashigi," Smoker answered with a deep rumble as the man gazed at the vast horizon that opened up before them. "I need to solve this shit before it consumes me."

"Smoker-san," Tashigi groaned, "please don't let this turn into something like your obsession with Straw Hat Luffy." While she wholeheartedly followed him through that particular path, this one… she probably wouldn't be able to follow. _Please don't go where I can't follow, Smoker-san,_ she thought in despair.

"I don't have an obsession with that brat!" Smoker grunted back. "And this is important information for the Navy, trust me on this one, Tashigi."

Tashigi looked at the sky. It was clear blue. Seagulls were screeching.

As was she, just not out loud.

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"Hey, guys… Marines on sight!" Zoro's call broke the reverie everyone had succumbed to in the past couple of weeks of relative silence and boredom, which had been the cause of Luffy's eternal woe and Sanji's annoyance — that Smoker guy usually wasn't this awful at tracking them down, was he?

"Oh, shit," Usopp moaned from the grass he had been lying. "Why _now_…"

Sanji looked up. "Oi, marimo head, who's in charge there, can you tell?" Hope was painfully tangible as Sanji glanced at Luffy, who was looking at him, and they both grinned and _hoped—_

"Looks like Smoker," Zoro replied, voice flat as he glanced down to the deck from an open window. "What's that got to do with anything?"

Sanji and Luffy burst into near identical smiles, and high-fived each other. Hell yeah, goodbye boredom! (Also hell yes, _finally_ the prank would come to its conclusion. Smoker and Law. Face-to-face. Sanji finally understood the deal with pranks. They were _great._)

Nami just made an impatient gesture. "Who cares? Let's get out of here."

Luffy' smile widened as he managed to straighten himself into a sitting position, pushing Usopp down when he tried to get up. "Nah. Let's wait for Smokey!"

Everyone on the deck just stopped and stared at Luffy, most prominently Usopp, Chopper, and Nami.

"Oi, Luffy… you _do_ remember who Smoker is, right…?" Usopp stared at his captain, disbelief raising his eyebrow up his brow. Nami shifted on her feet impatiently, clearly not having any of Luffy's shit right now.

"Yeah! Smokey is Smokey!" Luffy's smile widened and he laughed. "I wanna catch up with him!"

Sanji had never thought Luffy would be able to pull off a lie, and he simply stared at the back of Luffy's head as though it had turned mossy green right before his eyes. Well… an eye. He almost wanted to say 'good job', since that lie was very believable from Luffy…

…except that it probably wasn't a lie and Luffy really wanted to have a chat about the past two years with Smoker. Sanji _sighed._ Yeah, that was far more likely.

Oh, whatever. The reason Smoker was coming for them was at least clear, and Sanji snickered to himself as he turned to glance at Nami-san. "You heard him — Captain's orders," he said with all the seriousness he could muster as he thought about the letter.

It had been a great idea to let Luffy write it.

Nami-san screeched. Usopp yelled. Chopper whined. Franky _freaking _laughed. Robin-chan giggled softly. Brook played _Binks' sake_.

Zoro… who the fuck knew what he was doing up there. Sanji certainly didn't care as his own lips curled into a grin.

Luffy laughed, and Sanji was pretty sure Smoker could hear that all the way out there. That was fine. Let the smoke bastard know he was warmly welcomed here. Sanji briefly glanced toward the doors that led to the inside of the ship. _C'mon, Law, drag your ass out here._

As if on cue, Law stepped out into the deck, glancing around with a minimal frown scrunching his brow. "I heard someone yell about Marines," he murmured, looking around at the irritated faces and two particularly elated ones. "Why are we not doing anything?"

"Ask the captain of this ship," Nami groaned, throwing her arms in the air in exasperation. "He says he wants to catch up with Smoker."

Law gave Luffy a look that said _not you again_, but his steps halted at the mention of the Marine. "…Smoker-ya?" Sanji relished in the mildly anxious look that crossed Law's eyes that very instant. Not for the first time, the cook mentally patted himself on the back for the great idea of pranking Smoker and Law like this.

"Yeah!" Luffy grinned up at Law, and Sanji ranted _don't blow it don't blow it DON'T BLOW IT_ in his head until he was no longer sure what 'it' was referring to.

For a straight guy, he sure had a lot of cock in his mind lately.

"Doesn't it sound like fun, Trafalgay-"

"Trafal_gar_," Law corrected, the first time he actually bothered to do so, and glared at Sanji, who was trying his best to not cough up his lungs as the fit of laughter struck him like a bolt of lightning. "And I don't see how catching up with Marines is _fun_ since it usually ends up as us being caught_. Literally_."

"You'll see," Sanji's jaw ached from the force of his smile, and he couldn't help himself — he inched close to Law, leaned over and muttered, "Like, remember to invite us to the wedding too. That's the least you owe us for helping your ass in Dressrosa, you know."

Law gave him the darkest, most confused look he could muster, and that had Sanji cracking up all over again. He had had enough laughter for _centuries_, for sure, and the best part hadn't even happened yet!

"And, uh, you know," Sanji said, louder, "we have a spare sail you can use as a wedding dress, if it comes down to it, so really, nothing can stop you!" The cook patted Law on the shoulder and gestured towards the horizon while the rest of the Straw Hats watched the exchange with equal amounts of bewilderment and amusement. (Admittedly, Luffy was the only amused one. As well as Robin, who giggled against the edge of her coffee cup.)

"I don't know whether to feel encouraged or disturbed by your enthusiasm, Black Leg-ya," Law said, cautiously stepping aside from Sanji's grasp, "especially when I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Trust me," Sanji murmured, "you will find out soon enough."

Luffy's laughter on the background was like an ominous foreboding — for Law.

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"Where's the booze?" Tashigi went straight to the point when she boarded the Thousand Sunny, not bothering with the formalities as she glared around the crew, her head pounding.

"In the kitchen, in the fridge, my beautiful maiden-" Sanji swooned, but Tashigi stared him down and Sanji sensed her mood, so he paused, inching back as Tashigi's eyes glared at him with harshness he hadn't seen from the Marine Captain.

"Thank you," Tashigi said simply as she stormed off, Nico Robin's sprouting hands offering her directions throughout the ship.

Smoker stared after her, shaking his head mildly, before casting his heavy-lidded gaze on the rest of them, smoke puffing up from the three cigars that hung from his mouth.

Sanji, however, noted the extra three that Smoker's hand kept fiddling, and he discreetly glanced at Law, whose expression remained stony.

Ah, the famed "unresolved sexual tension", which Sanji was so very familiar with.

Nami and Usopp collectively groaned on the background, but for most part, silence reigned. Even the Marines aboard Smoker's ship seemed to sense this as none of them seemed particularly eager to jump forward to board the Thousand Sunny.

Luffy only barely held in his giggles, and even Sanji had a hard time keeping his face straight.

"So," Law gave Sanji and Luffy a slightly weirded out expression, a clear thought of _what the hell is wrong with you_ apparent in Law's pale eyes, "what brings you to this part of the ocean, Smoker-ya?"

Smoker's lips pressed against the butts of his cigars, eyes narrowing into slits as they glued themselves onto Law's face. "You would know, wouldn't you, Trafalgar," he said lowly, as his free hand tugged the crumpled piece of paper out from his pocket and shoved it at Law's face. "After all, you sent me this! Now," Smoker continued, sounding mildly deranged, "what's the meaning of it?"

Law blinked as he unfolded the paper. The silence around the ship was heavy, thick enough to worry Law, but then Sanji and Luffy started snickering.

Law's mind, by then, was preoccupied by something entirely different.

_Hey smokey, I am gay 4 u. _

_XOXO, Trafalgay Law_

Sanji checked the letter, though he knew what it said already, and laughed harder. "Oi, Smoker," he tried to breathe, "Law's kind of a repressed guy, overall — maybe he's proposing to you."

Luffy's shrieks of laughter were promptly ignored as each and every pair of eyes settled on Law and Smoker, whose face seemed to have heated up by several degrees — whether from anger or embarrassment, no one could tell.

Tashigi, who had just returned with booze, could be heard muttering, "At least I won't have to deal with babies."

Robin murmured in addition, "So this is how the Great Pirate Age ends — a Marine and a pirate joining together in holy matrimony." Her eyes gazed at the distant skies. "The ultimate marriage of alliance, indeed."


	3. Plans

marriage of alliance

chap. 3

Plans

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><p>Trafalgay— er, Trafalgar Law was usually relatively aware of the situations he ended up in. Lately, however, this hadn't been the case, and he blamed this fully on the Straw Hat Pirates and their ability to mess up his plans in mere seconds.<p>

Right now, he was confused, though looking at Straw Hat and Black Leg, he was fairly sure who the culprits to this ridiculous event were.

_Damn you._

"So, when's the wedding?" Sanji pressed, looking between them, and Law had never quite felt this big an urge to punch someone with his own hands before. "I mean, for real, Smoker looks so happy he'll faint, and you're just waiting for him to say yes, aren't you?"

Law wished he could say something. Anything. But Smoker's smoke was drifting off to him, and god if Law didn't have it bad. For the smoke. Not so much the smoker.

He could have wept right then if his head didn't feel faint and dizzy.

"See," Sanji said smugly, which Law heard only barely over the sound of his own thumping heart. "He's blushing." And Luffy, on the background, was shrieking with laughter along with the rest of his crew, and Law wasn't entirely sure why he chose this over… well, over hanging out in the sub with his own crew. "Really, Law, I was just kidding earlier, but I guess it's true…!"

Speaking of which, where were Bepo, Hachi and Shachi when he needed them? They were on board Sunny too, so they should have heard the ruckus already.

Smoker just stared, adding two more cigars to his mouth, and smoked aggressively in silence as he tried to come to terms with what this meant to him. To the world. To his_ job_.

Marriage with Trafalgar Law. Sure enough, his mother always wanted him to get married with something other than his job, but damn. Trafalgar Law. Really? Life, this was the person you set him up with? Smoker stared at the deck with unseeing eyes, breathing out puffs of smoke without noticing the steadily rising color on Law's face.

And Smoker's mind took off to a route of its own: who the fuck was the bride, who was the groom, what kind of cake should there be, _would there be a honeymoon_.

Public or private wedding? Private, because fuck if he'd deal with the curiosity of every fucking pirate crew in the world. Straw Hats probably were going to come anyway, knowing the captain, and Smoker bit on his cigars a bit harder at the thought, the rising smoke covering his face from everyone's view for the moment.

Smoker's face heated up. Fuck.

Why was he contemplating this shit?

"Okay, so," Usopp's voice piped up from the background, high-pitched and gleeful and hoarse from all the ache-inducing laughter, "any ideas for bridesmaids and best men yet?"

Everyone looked at each other, excluding Law and Smoker, as they thought about the question.

"I wanna be a bridesmaid!" Luffy broke the silence enthusiastically, waving his arms in the air like a child trying say 'pick me, pick me!'.

"Uh," was the common response Luffy received from everyone, including Zoro who had been drinking with Tashigi on the background. Tashigi merely held her head between her palms, now proceeding to question the very foundations of justice. What was justice? Had her sense of justice failed at some point, and was this karma's punishment?

"Does Luffy even know what a wedding is," Usopp murmured to Nami, "or a bridesmaid, for that matter."

"I don't think so," Nami muttered back, hand covering his lips as she stifled a snort. Okay, so maybe this scene was worth letting Smoker get on their ship.

Franky was crying, the happiness for Law's inevitable marriage unbearably great, and Robin's arm sprouted from his shoulder to hand him a tissue.

Zoro was sitting next to Tashigi, their usual head-butting over every little thing forgotten as Zoro awkwardly patted her shoulder as she held her head between her hands. "There, there," Zoro seemed to be saying, awkward as he was with Tashigi. "Maybe this hardship will sharpen your skill with the sword." Tashigi groaned, moving her hand slightly to flip Zoro off.

The swordsman grinned mockingly before gulping down his own beer.

"Bridesmaid's the guy that has all those flowers and stuff, yeah?" Luffy blinked, and none of the others had the heart to disclaim Luffy's assumption. "Like, the guy throws around flowers and gets all the meat and stuff?"

"No, I believe it is the bride that gets all the, hm, 'meat', Luffy," Robin said quietly, smiling behind her hand as she tried not to join the others' hysterical fits of laughter.

Luffy merely looked confused, and put-off by not having any meat. "Hey, Trafalgay! Don't hoard all the good stuff! Gimme some too!"

"The kind of meat she was talking about isn't the type you like, Straw Hat-ya," Law said, his voice sounding very far-off even to himself as he swallowed air down his dry throat. On instinct, he glanced aside, down at Smoker's crotch.

Or what did he know? Maybe Straw Hat was really into—

Law pursed his lips and wiped that thought from existence. No. Nope. Not thinking that through, not this time.

"I like all kinds of meat, though!" Luffy protested, sitting down cross-legged and rocking back and forth as he pouted at Law, who was more distracted by Smoker's… smoke — in every meaning of the word, to be honest, and Law felt almost… disconcerted.

"Of course you do, Luffy, of course you do,"Usopp managed to breathe out before Franky could, and Chopper just sat on Usopp's knee and looked confused by all of this. Law? Marriage? Okay, that was cool, but what's this thing about meat that had everyone laughing? What?

"Luffy," Nami snorted, "it's an euphemism."

"What phism?"

"…Never mind. Let's just say that it's not edible, okay?"

"What kind of meat isn't edible? Nami, that's dumb."

Nami sighed exaggeratedly, rolling her eyes as if to say_ is this guy for real_. Then her gaze shifted to Law, whose head was bowed low, but if she had to hazard a guess where his eyes were looking at… Nami glanced at Smoker, and the thick veil of smoke.

"Well, it seems like someone's thirsty," she commented flippantly, smiling smugly when Law started, eyes widening comically wide for Law, and then there was sputtering. Nami smiled. Payback for all the shit that Law's plan had got them through was amazing.

And what was even more amazing? The big, bad Marine Vice Admiral was coughing, choking on his own smoke, and Nami had never felt more powerful as she did then as she brought these two physically stronger men down to their knees, metaphorically speaking.

Score: Nami 1, Guys Everywhere -234.

"Law," Smoker coughed, and it sounded like a lung or two might be coming up next if someone didn't do Heimlich on him.

"Smoker-ya," Law grunted back, the sound a little too high-pitched to his liking, and he forced himself to lift his gaze.

"Sexual tension," Zoro could he heard saying, and Tashigi grunted in agreement but only after punching Zoro's shoulder for making her choke on whiskey.

"This calls for a song," Brook declared, his 'yohohoho' laughter the loudest background voice currently as Law and Smoker eyed each other through the thin cloud of smoke.

"So, can I be the bridesmaid and get the meat anyway?" Luffy asked, still pouting as he glanced between Smoker and Law.

"Which one of us is the bride," Smoker asked weakly. "Frankly, I don't understand what's going on here anymore, Trafalgar."

"Trafalgay," Luffy corrected, and Sanji nudged at Law's side at this point, murmuring out, "If you need some alone time, the boys' quarters are open twenty-four seven, just for you." Sanji paused. "Well, except when we're sleeping there. Don't be a creep. Be considerate."

Law felt blush creep upon his features again, and he couldn't— his mind refused to work— the gear just wouldn't start up. "Neither do I, anymore," he muttered, and he could only hope Bepo and others wouldn't come out to greet this madness—

The cheers from the Marines he had completely forgotten about startled Law, and he turned his head to see many nameless Marines jumping up and down in excitement on the warship's deck.

"Smokey's getting married! Finally!"

"But to a pirate! What a twist!"

"Who cares! His name is Law. It's the perfect union!"

Nami had used the confusion of the past few minutes to get herself some paper and a pencil, and now she scribbled down the estimated costs of the wedding.

"Sanji-kun, didn't you say something about using the spare sail as a wedding dress if it came down to it?"

Sanji, eager to please her as always, swirled around towards her, nearly elbowing Law's face in the process, but Smoker pulled his to-be-husband safe from the flailing cook. "Yes, I did, Nami-san! And while I may not look like it, I think I'll be able to turn it into a very dashing wedding dress indeed! With some bleaching, it'll be perfect."

"Okay," Nami hummed contentedly, crossing that one off her list. "So that's 600 less."

Law's mouth had gone dry, but he opened it nevertheless, his voice dazed and eyes glazed. "The bride's and bridesmaid's dressed need feathers. A lot of them," he murmured, and Smoker glanced over to Tashigi.

"You taking these down, Tashigi?"

"Of course, Smoker-san," the Marine Captain said, her voice slurring and a hiccup escaping her lips. "And, like, Trafalgar," she added in a clear, loud voice as she stood up, swaying and staggering as Zoro looked up at her in alarm, "I don't care what your intent—" She nearly tripped, but Sanji twirled over to catch her before she fell, but she ignored him and instead just pointed an angry finger at Law. "I don't care what your intentions are, but if you're jus… ht… using Smoker-san for something, I'll kick your ass with my ten-inch heels!"

"You don't have ten-inch heels, Tashigi," Smoker said, oddly touched by her words as his lips curved into a first real smile since boarding this ship.

"Ten-inch heels or a katana up his ass, whatever!" Tashigi groaned and flailed a bit as Sanji tightened his grip on her. "Also," she added in a low murmur, eyes intent on Law's face, "prepare a lot of lube."

Chopper choked. Usopp gagged. Nami and Robin laughed. Brook sung a song no one but Luffy paid attention to. Franky sniffled. Sanji almost let go of Tashigi as he nearly swallowed his own damn cigarette.

Law and Smoker just stared at each other, realizing they were at the crossroads of life where they had to pick one or the other. Yes or no.

"I'd rather not have a katana up my ass," Law said carefully, mildly disconcerted by the tone Tashigi's words had held, and that gave birth to another round of laughter among the Straw Hats.

"This will be one hell of a sausage fest," Sanji muttered to himself as he borrowed Nami's budget sketch and started to sketch the menu for the occasion. And because he was already high from all the laughter, he cracked like an egg again and guffawed until tears stung his eyes and Tashigi elbowed him.

"So, is this super wedding actually happening?" It was Franky that pulled himself together and asked while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Law and Smoker. Law was suddenly glad for his dark complexion that hid the most of the blush he knew was on his face; Smoker's face was partially hidden by the smoke, but Law was sure the Marine was just as flustered.

This was… surreal, Law decided. Surreal was the right word for this, indeed, and—

A chilly breeze made Law tug his feathered collar up, mouth opening up to say something — anything — to disclaim the possibility of him ever marrying a Marine, but then his eyes fell on Luffy and those big, round eyes that shone with eternal optimism and life.

It was hard to not feel guilty about rejecting his apparent hope, but damn if Law would allow himself get into this—

"Hey, what's going on?" Bepo's head peaked out from the door that led to the inner parts of the Thousand Sunny, and Law's words died on his lips. Fuck.

"Law's eloping with Vice Admiral over here," Nami hummed, giving Bepo one of her thousand watt -smiles, and the bear blinked… thrice before gaping at Law.

"Captain, is that—"

"Bepo, please,_ listen_—"

"What's that on the sky?"

The last comment, made by Zoro, attracted everyone's attention, and most of them craned their necks up to see what the hell Zoro was talking about.

Law squinted his eyes, trying to pinpoint the oddity Zoro had mentioned, and…

There it was — a spot of pink, approaching from the horizon.

_Pink._

"You can't be serious," Law muttered and resisted his very strong urge to drag a palm down his face. "This is not happening."

"It's raining flamingos," Sanji whispered ominously.


	4. You're Not My Mother

marriage of alliance

chap. 4

you're _not_ my mother

* * *

><p>"What the hell is <em>he<em> doing here?!" Nami hissed at Luffy and Law, her head turning as she switched the target of her glare every few seconds. "Luffy, didn't you kick his feathery ass back in Dressrosa?"

Except that when her eyes turned to glare at Luffy, he was nowhere to be seen. Nami let out a long, hysteric groan, and Usopp joined in with an anxious whimper.

Law felt a headache coming onto him, very much like Smoker's smoke.

"Well," Law murmured, "Straw Hat-ya didn't exactly finish the deal." And perhaps Law himself had been careless in his assumption that Doflamingo had been ended — mentally and financially, at least, and then later be done in by Kaidou. "It's amazing he's still… able to pull this off."

"It's no time for admiration!" Usopp screeched, his nose quivering as his eyes widened.

"That pink chicken is headed this way, isn't he?" Smoker sighed, teeth worrying at the butts of his cigars as the smoke greatly hindered his vision.

"Yeah," Law said simply, eyes on the rapidly approaching ball of pinkness that had occupied his nightmares for years. He felt surprisingly calm, all things considered. Maybe the craziness had made him numb.

Perhaps everything that had happened… well, perhaps he was tired of hating instead of living.

It didn't mean that he wanted Doflamingo around, but Law knew karma had never liked him. This thought on his mind, he stepped aside once the pink ball of a man descended and the heels clicked against the deck.

"Fufufufu…" The laughter was ominous, very much like a rooster's screech in the morning.

Law focused to the mental image of Doflamingo as a rooster, and it did help him… a little bit, though his shoulders shook with suppressed mirth. Smoker mistook that for something else, and awkwardly patted Law's back. "There, there, Trafalgar."

Doflamingo straightened himself, legs wobbling a bit more than usual, and he glanced around the ship and the crew, gaze eventually falling onto Law, who tried not to sweat under the overwhelming gaze — though a large (though barely visible at this time; it had been _weeks_ since Straw Hat had delivered the decisive punch) bruise that covered half of Doflamingo's face certainly lessened the degree of intimidation Doflamingo produced.

"Law," Doflamingo's voice could have made the ship itself tremble. "First Dressrosa, and now this." Doflamingo made a vague gesture towards Smoker and the others. "You never talk to me about the most important things anymore. It breaks my heart!"

Law raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you had any left to break," he said coolly, though wondering… "And what are you even on about, Doflamingo?"

"The wedding, of course," Doflamingo snorted as though it was obvious. Which, considering the situation, it kind of was. "You're getting married, and you didn't tell me? It would break a lesser man!" Doflamingo went for the theatrics, exaggeratedly placing a hand over his heart while tilting his head back in pretended shock.

Law sputtered, and Smoker slapped his back in response to stop the choking, though Smoker's eyes were focused on Doflamingo as he switched cigars. Five again, Law noted, and his heart hammered a little too hard as he sniffed the scent.

"You're not my mother," Law protested, saying the first thing that came to his mind. "I can do what I want."

_So, now there IS definitely a wedding,_ Smoker mused as his brows crinkled into a frown while he followed the exchange between Law and Doflamingo, one of whom had literally captured his heart and the other nearly killed him.

Well, that'd be a fun story to tell at the wedding party, he supposed.

_Ugh, stop. There will NOT be a party. Or a wedding._

"Well, yeah," Doflamingo said slowly, smoothly, the grin on his face widening worryingly as Doflamingo pried Law off from Smoker. "Your mother's dead, Law."

A moment of silence passed, and Law froze under the weight of Doflamingo's hands on his shoulders.

"ASSHOLE," Usopp was, surprisingly, the first one to screech, though Usopp realized his mistake as he hid behind Nami. "I mean… uncool. Totally uncool. Yeah."

Nami frowned, her hands on Clima Tact, and was about to say something, when—

"So is yours," Law muttered, audibly enough for everyone on the deck to hear him. The Heart Pirates looked vaguely worried by their captain's blurted words, as did Usopp, Chopper and Nami.

"Burnnnnn," Franky stage-whispered to Robin, who sat stiffer on her chair as she gazed at the scene with blank eyes.

Doflamingo froze, very much like Law a few moments before the words rose up from his throat — possibly his last ones if Doflamingo's look had anything to go by.

_No regrets,_ Law thought as he glanced at Bepo and Penguin, nodding grimly at them.

"Well," Doflamingo started, voice rumbling in his throat, and Law watched the Adam's apple bob, "you're not _wrong_, per se." The hands that had gripped Law's shoulders harder, now relented but didn't let go of Law's coat yet.

Law smiled an insincere smile. "Let go of me, Doflamingo."

Doflamingo returned the smile tenfold as his eyes flickered to Smoker. "I don't think I want to give you up just yet, Law," he said and tugged Law forcefully to him, Law's head bumping against Doflamingo's chest.

Doflamingo and Smoker's eyes met. The Moment was near.

"What the hell," Smoker grumbled, frowning at Doflamingo and biting into the butts of his cigars. "How did you even fucking know—"

"Den den mushi," Doflamingo said, his broad shoulders shrugging. "Implanted one here before this ship left for Zou."

"YOU'VE BEEN SPYING ON US!?" Usopp wheezed, and he sounded like was going to faint. Law pushed his head off Doflamingo's chest to look, and noticed the sunkissed sniper's quivering legs.

"Of course," Doflamingo said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "You think I would leave anything to chance? Law's a sneaky one, I know that much." The fingers curled around the fabric of Law's coat. "You _know _how I deal with no-good fiances, Law."

Law thought about Baby 5 and the things he had heard about _her_ unfortunate series of engagements in passing.

"Excuse _you_," Smoker grumbled, "I think it's _me_ that has complaints about _this—"_

A loud hiccup from Sanji's general direction attracted Smoker's — and inevitably, Doflamingo's — attention. Tashigi had shoved Sanji's arms off of her, and she was now pointing a finger at Doflamingo, her face flush from the extensive consumption of the pirates' alcohol. Uh oh. Smoker had seen her pissed before, but not _drunk_ and pissed at the same time.

"You!" Tashigi slurred, her finger swaying along with the rest of the Marine Captain. Murmurs of "_Tashigi-chan, no"_ from the Marine ship echoed down to the Sunny, but the Captain was fired up and ready to go. "How dare you! Can't you feel the sexual tension that's radiating off of them like a goddamn… uh… what's the word… like something radioactive!"

_Good going,_ Smoker thought wryly, _stumbling over your words, Tashigi._

Doflamingo's eyebrows rose higher on his brow, and a flicker of confused amusement flickered in the eyes beneath the shades that Law noticed were a bit cracked. The sight brought some sense of satisfaction to Law, at least, and he squeezed himself out from Doflamingo's relaxed grip with a quick use of his Room.

"Read the mood, you pink ball of a famished flamingo's shit!" Tashigi glared, her lips pursing into a thin line, drunken anger furrowing her brows as she trembled, and Sanji hesitantly went to support her. Tashigi shook him off irritably, and _gods, _Smoker was sure many of their subordinates had popped a boner by now as Tashigi's pent-up frustrations boiled over.

"Damn," Doflamingo whistled, "_that_ might have been a first one. And I have heard a _lot._"

"Yeah," Tashigi muttered, "now fly off and let's measure Trafalgar for the goddamn wedding dress already, since his are the only sizes we don't have."

She suddenly deflated and leaned onto Sanji for support, the fire in her eyes dying as the most of her frustrations evaporated in an instant. Doflamingo clicked his tongue in disappointment, eyes never leaving Tashigi as he contemplated something.

Law knew that look.

"Watch out, Smoker-ya," he murmured, "he plans to recruit her."

"Not before I get you out of this marriage," Doflamingo retorted, but his lips widened indulgently. "She has the right spirit, though. Reminds me of you during your rebel years."

It was right then that Luffy emerged from the kitchen, hands holding large pieces of meat, and Luffy grinned at them all. "What did I miss, you guys?"

It took a surprisingly short while that Luffy noticed Doflamingo's presence. Like only a fraction of a second — Luffy's eyes widened instantly and he pointed a finger at Doflamingo.

"Has no one taught you people that pointing others is _rude_," Doflamingo mused with mild amusement, though he eyed Luffy with wariness Law hadn't seen on the man's face before. The sight was _immensely_ satisfying.

"Yeah, well, interrupting people's _wedding plans_ and bringing up _dead_ mothers is much r-ruder," Usopp stammered, his hands clutching at Nami's shoulders, and the navigator swatted at him with her Clima Tact hard enough to make Usopp whine.

"Mingo, what are you doing here?!" The fact that Luffy was still angry at Doflamingo even though some time had passed said enough.

"Intervention!" Doflamingo declared, spreading his arms as he shrugged his shoulders. "I will not let Law make another mistake in his miserable life."

Smoker bit on his cigars hard enough to break at least two of them. Fuck you too, you flamboyant piece of bird crap.

"You're here to stop the wedding," Luffy concluded, and from him, it was surprisingly logical conclusion. So surprising that most of his crew gawked at Luffy, as though the world had just collapsed on them.

"Yep."

"Truffelman and Smokey's wedding."

"I didn't know there was another? You need to let me _know_ these things. I'd have brought a _gift, _fufufu."

Luffy didn't smile. "You're not gonna ruin Traffy's happiness this time, bird man."

Doflamingo raised an eyebrow. "I have known the brat for well over a decade by now; I _know_ where his happiness lies."

If Luffy hadn't made it first, Law probably would have gone and punched the man himself — but Luffy _did_ make it first to Doflamingo in a few purposeful strides… and very much like back in Sabaody two years ago, Luffy's fist collided with Doflamingo's barely healed cheek.

Law relished in the sight of Doflamingo flying off into the distance from the sheer force of the punch, and for once he allowed himself to admire the strength Straw Hat had put into it — this time Law would have no complaints whatsoever, though the fact that Doflamingo thought he was going to get married to Smoker of all people… well, _it was just wrong_, but Law hadn't had the chance to explain.

He tried not to imagine Baby 5's reaction. Really, _really_ tried not to.

"That was an excellent punch, Straw Hat-ya," he murmured to Luffy, who clung to Law's neck obnoxiously obsessively. Law discreetly tried to disentangle himself from the tight grasp of rubber arms, to no avail.

Smoker cleared his throat. "Trafalgar looks claustrophobic. Maybe you should let go, Straw Hat."

"Defending the bride," Sanji muttered to himself, a smug grin spreading on his face.

"But, like, Traffy," Luffy said, ignoring Smoker completely, "the wedding will happen? Right? You and Smokey will get married, and there'll be lots of meat, and music and flowers and stuff? Makino told me how weddings are supposed to be and stuff—"

Bepo and the rest of the Heart Pirates seemed to be very, _very_ interested in this part of the conversation, Law realized as he gave a quick glance at them and noted the face-splitting grins on each of their faces. _Shit._

Law looked at Smoker next, only to see the Vice Admiral staring back.

It was an Intense Moment — the kind shared by those who knew there was no way out of this if they agreed to the madness. And, fuck, Smoker was still smoking those goddamn cigars.

Law released a breath he had been holding the last minute. "…when's the wedding?" he asked, reluctance dripping into his voice even as he tried to not let it show, since he didn't want to ruin Straw Hat's joy. The beam that lit Luffy's face up was as bright as Law had expected, but he was still nearly blinded by the intensity of the Straw Hat captain's happiness.

"Fuck," Smoker muttered to Law. "_Fuck._"

"You stole the words right off from my mouth," Law whispered back as Luffy cooed and flailed around the deck in contagious excitement, and soon Luffy had pulled Chopper and Usopp up for a dance round.

Law _almost_ dared to smile at their antics. Almost, but not quite; Doflamingo's presence at the ship had disturbed him a little more deeply than he cared to admit.

"Captain!" Oh, Lord, Bepo jumped onto him. "I'm so happy for you, Captain!"

"Bepo, get off. You're heavy, and I don't do lifting."

Smoker slowly distanced himself from the others, ignored the jovial shouts of "GO GO, SMOKEY!" that came from his ship. He lit another cigar, and wished Tashigi would be sober enough to comfort him later.

But poor Tashigi lay in Sanji's arms, having passed out at some point, and it didn't seem like she was going to wake up any time soon.

"Darn," Nami muttered, "didn't she have Smoker's sizes or something?"

Sanji shrugged, his smile as wide as the horizon before them. "Tashigi-chan will be alright, Nami-san," he cooed, "but most importantly, I can't believe this is happening. It's… fucking amazing."

"Which one of you sent the letter to Smoker?"

"Well, Luffy wrote it. I did everything else. Put the kiss marks onto the envelope, too." Sanji's grin turned sheepish, and Nami couldn't help but laugh.

"You two are a fucking _menace_," she marveled and shook her head, "but you lack _planning._"

"Join us next time, Nami-san," Sanji suggested off-handedly, glad to see Nami's eyes flicker with mischievous light.

"Perhaps I will."


	5. Ghosts and Kids

Eustass "Captain" Kid had had many terrible hangovers during his time as a pirate and even way before he made this ultimately life-changing career choice. This one was, decidedly, one of the worst ones he had had in a while.

Kid felt vaguely disoriented, and the need to piss was what managed to get his ass up from his bed. Ugh. The waves of dizziness passed once he came back from the bathroom, but the taste of vomit in his mouth hadn't left despite Kid brushing his teeth — uncharacteristic as it was, but fuck if he felt like having the taste of barf linger in his mouth the whole day.

Besides, those annoying bastards Hawkins and Apoo were visiting.

Maybe he _shouldn't_ have brushed his teeth. Let the morons suffer from Kid's bad morning breath.

Killer was already having breakfast by the time Kid sauntered to the kitchen. Hawkins and Apoo weren't there, probably either sleeping or reading cards (mostly Hawkins, that creep), nor were their crews.

Kid plopped down, nodding at Killer, and picked up the folded newspaper. The movement seemed to attract Killer's attention, and the currently unmasked man looked at Kid with something that seemed to be expectant curiosity.

Kid raised an eyebrow, not saying a word yet as he wasn't yet sure whether he would vomit or not, and lowered his head as he glanced through the headlines of the day.

The front page was usually the most revealing one — no _shit_ — and this time, too, it managed to grab all of Kid's attention.

The silence surrounding Killer and Kid suddenly gained a lot more weight as Kid nearly ripped the paper apart as his reflex was to grip the damn thing harder while he tried to make out whether he was hallucinating or not.

"What the fuck is this insanity?" he asked out loud, his deep voice trembling with confusion and a tad bit of surprised laughter. What the fuck. It wasn't April 1st just yet, morons. Or was it? "What day is it now, Killer?"

"Not April, no," Killer replied quietly, nodding towards the paper. "From what I can tell, it seems to be the truth… as absurd as it seems at first."

"Absurd?" Kid repeated, the taste of something bitter returning to his lips. Good thing he hadn't tried to eat anything yet; he was sure he'd throw it all up now that he had seen the news. "More like _fucking insane._" Even that was putting it lightly, in Kid's opinion, but his head throbbed too hard for him to try a more eloquent way of expressing the weirdness of the headline his eyes were glued on.

SURGEON OF DEATH AND WHITE CHASER TO JOIN TOGETHER IN HOLY MATRIMONY, the newspaper headline screamed, and Kid reread it at least five times before he was sure he was indeed not seeing things.

"They call it it the Ultimate Marriage of Alliance," Killer added, and he seemed almost amused by the name. Kid wasn't sure if he shared his first mate's sentiments, though… though the name was fucking hilarious, just like the name Marines had graced Trafalgar with. Surgeon of Death, _yeah right._

Then again, Kid had once been called the Walking Magnet, which was infinitely more stupid.

The paper presented the information clearly and concisely, and even the location of the wedding was printed there; how stupid, Kid thought irritably, but then again it wasn't any of his business if Trafalgar and others got themselves into trouble.

But what Kid wanted to do was to be there to laugh at Trafalgar's _face_ — if this shit was true in the first place.

Kid hummed. There was a photo of Trafalgar underneath the headline — the former Warlord's expression made it seem like he had been through a hurricane. Well… there was that stupid saying… that love was a hurricane.

Kid would have snorted if the thought hadn't been so fucking weird. Trafalgar? Smoker? What the fuck was this, a well-orchestrated prank gone wrong?

marriage of alliance

chap. 5

ghosts&kids

* * *

><p>"Killer," he started slowly, "we'll set off this afternoon." He paused, an evil grin spreading to his lips. "Let's drag Hawkins and Apoo with us."<p>

Killer sighed, finishing up his meal and not particularly surprised by Kid's whim. "Don't do anything stupid. White Hunter _is_ a Vice Admiral, after all."

"What, as if Trafalgar would let his hubby attack me out of the blue," Kid guffawed.

"I think he would be the one to set him free when he sees you, Kid."

"Who the fuck cares? I'm still going."

"Yeah, yeah, got it."

…

Law felt like he was slowly suffocating. The days had been hell since he had agreed to the wedding, and he wasn't entirely sure why he had been glad to change Doflamingo to _this._

Watching Straw Hat bounce around in ecstacy had its benefits — most of them being that he wasn't bothering _Law_ alone but also Smoker — but Law would much rather sail forward the New World with his own crew.

But mostly— mostly Law had been busy with planning and outlining and talking about his wedding dress. It was a wordless agreement between everyone that Law would be the bride, and Law wished… he wished for some _sanity_ and maybe someone to realize that a _dress_ wasn't necessary for a wedding between two more-or-less non-straight men.

Captain Tashigi, for all that was worth, had been supportive, if not very hungover most of the time, of the process, but Law could hear her distressed mumbles that consisted of 'eat shit, Smoker-san, this is not what I joined Marines for' and 'Trafalgar Law must be destroyed'.

Law wasn't particularly concerned by the last one, since he doubted he'd survive this ordeal as a sane man, anyway.

"So," Brook sat beside Law, "congratulations on your marriage, Trafalgar-san."

"I'm not married yet, Bone-ya," Law sighed out for the umpteenth time, leaning his cheek against the palm of his hand as he watched the hall slowly being turned into something fitting for the wedding. Franky, the cyborg and the carpenter, was in charge of the decorations with Nico Robin, and the result… well, Law wasn't sure how the hall would look after they were done.

This was going to be a disaster, his gut feeling said.

"Yohohoho!" Brook laughed, the bones quivering with his mirth, and while Law still wasn't used to walking skeletons, this feat could hardly deter him at this point. "But you will, and that is why we have all gathered here, no?" Law couldn't deny that statement, so he remained motionless on his eat.

"Supposedly ," Law replied at length, closing his eyes as someone dropped the stepdladder from their hands. "Aren't you supposed to compose the songs for the wedding party, Bone-ya?"

"Indeed, I am," Brook replied as he sipped at his tea that Law hadn't noticed before. (Where did it come from? Where did it go? Where did Cotton Eye Joe go to?) "But there is something I wished to discuss with you first."

"If it's about the music, I don't particularly care," Law murmured, "I doubt anything tecno would be allowed at a wedding, anyway."

"Oh, it's nothing of the sort," Brook waved his bony hand (_literally_) and set the cup down. "Trafalgar-san, you… ah, know about how my soul can leave this body of mine, right?"

"I belive someone mentioned it at Punk Hazard, yes," Law said, lifting an eyebrow as he wonded mutedly where this was going. Brook yohoho-hoed a soft laughter.

"Well, the thing is," Brook murmured, "I did it again, and I met… quite… intriguing people… or ghosts, I suppose! It was all rather terrifying for my wee heart! Oh, wait, I don't have any left…"

"The point, Bone-ya?" Law interjected, eyelids halfway down as he suppressed a yawn. It was still quite early, _too_ early to be having casual chitchat.

"Well," Brook made a vague gesture with his hand to somewhere behind them, "the… spirits followed me, you see, when they found out I was going to attend to a wedding. They insisted to come and…"

Chills rose up Law's back, a premonition of sorts, as he turned his head slightly, now alarmed to the presences of people behind Brook and himself.

"Law," all too familiar but a little distorted voice began, and Law felt himself pale, "how _dare_ you not invite me to your wedding, you brat."

Law struggled to find the words as he stared at the pale form of someone he still loved dearly and whose death had haunted him all this time. "…Cora-san?"

Corazon's disapproving face split into a wide grin, and Law swallowed thickly as he stared at the see-through ghost of his old caretaker. Holy shit. _Holy shit,_ Law's mind didn't seem to be able to come up with anything else, and so he simply stared, wide-eyed, at the flickering ghost.

"I'm not— there's a mistake," Law somehow managed to grumble out, but Brook interjected with a cheerful laughter.

"But Trafalgar-san, you already agreed to it! Don't go breaking the Vice Admiral Smoker-san's heart now!"

The other ghost, a relatively tall young man with freckles scattered over his face, perked up at the mention of Smoker. "Seriously? It's true? _Smoker's_ getting married?"

Ah, Law recognized the face… Fire Fist Ace, Straw Hat's elder brother, the son of Gold Roger, yadda yadda ya..

Law pursed his lips. "Yes. Apparently we are."

"Oh _man_," Ace's grin widened as he laughed obnoxiously loudly, turning gazes with the loud guffaw. "Oh man, I can't believe _that _guy is getting married. This was so worth trasncending all those dimensions for. Damn. I'm ghosting out over to Smoker now, 'kay? You have my blessings!"

Corazon, Law and Brook watched as the ghost of the freckled man floated over to where the sleep-deprived Smoker was possibly reconsidering his decisions regarding life or, well, perhaps considering who to sent invitations to.

Luffy's scream of "FRECKLED JESUS" didn't go unnoticed, and Law smiled mildly at the scene of Luffy trying to launch himself at Ace.

"SO," Brook declared after the scene had died, standing up, "it is time for me to practice the wedding march, yohohoho!"

Law was left alone with Corazon's ghost, who overed him like a judgmental parent. "I thought you _hated_ Marines, Law," Corazon commented, and Law could hear the hurt. He pretty much felt it, too, and he gave Cora a pleading look.

"Look, I didn't mean for this to happen," he started, voice thick as he suppressed his emotions as well as he could, "this is just a huge mistake—"

"And to think you proclaimed you'd marry _me_ one day!" Corazon's wail interrupted Law, whose mouth just fell open at the words that left Cora's ghostly lips.

"I never said _that_!" Law denied, heat gathering on his face. "Shut up!"

"No, no, I recall it as though it was yesterday— you were flushed, curled up in a blanket, and—"

"Yeah, I had a _fever_, Cora-san, and I was delirious!"

"Ha, you didn't deny it!" Cora-san laughed merrily, and for a moment, so did Law. This was fucking strange, but strange things happened in the New World and seas in general, and this was actually a good kind of strange, if not for the fact that—

"But, Law, seriously — this guy looks like a _punk._"

"Smoker-ya?" Law turned his gaze to the direction Corazon — Rocinante — was glaring at, and he saw Smoker's unimpressed face stare at Ace's ghost, who was very animatedly throwing some monologue at Smoker.

"What's up with that honorific, Law?" Corazon wondered, still evil-eyeing Smoker. "But anyway. Dude looks like a punk. Don't trust the guy. Don't marry someone you don't know, Law."

"Cora-san, this is my life."

"When did you become such a rebel?" Corazon sighed out as he theatrically tripped over his ghost-feet, and Law simply stared at the sight with blank eyes. Things really hadn't changed at all since the last time, had they?

…

Hawkins's impassive face was really starting to annoy the living hell out of Kid.

"This is quite the detour on our quest, Eustass Kid," Basil Hawkins murmured, the eyebrows twitching between a frown and a blank expression.

"Shut up. You're curious too, assface. Now let's get this show on the road, fucktards."

Killer sighed. Not for the first time during the time it took to reach the island the wedding would take place on. "Kid, just…" He wouldn't tell Kid to play nice, because that never fucking worked, but still. "Just don't destroy the goddamn island if you can help it."

"Is this _jealousy_ in the air?" Apoo's ear-shattering voice rang out. (Ear-shattering for Kid, musical to others.)

"Fuck you, guys! I just want to find out what the fuck's going on, and you can't lie and say you're not interested in how in the lowest realm of hell this came to be—"

"Not in the least," Basil murmured in boredom.

"Not at all," Apoo agreed.

"Fuck off," Kid grunted.

"Let's just disembark for now, you big children," Killer grunted and turned on his heels to lower the anchor because these idiots couldn't do anything on their own.

…

Tashigi had gone off to take a walk and to remove herself from the madness that went on at the sole building Cyborg Franky had built for the sake of the wedding. God, she was exhausted, but mostly she was very, very hungover, and her head felt like a battle field.

It was _just_ her luck to come across three captains of the Worst Generation — and one first mate that was a part of that same Generation — but at this point of time, she couldn't care if Blackbeard himself gave to ruin shit up.

"Eustass 'Captain' Kid," she murmured out of her memory of seeing his ugly face on the front page of the newspaper. "What a coincidence."

Kid tilted his head, clearly trying to remember if he had seen her before. Tashigi's frown deepened. They _had_, in fact, met in battle before, and the fact he couldn't remember made her headache grow stronger. Insulting.

"Yeah," Kid agreed eventually, "but then again, we're both here for the Ultimate Marriage of Alliance, huh?" The name came out mockingly from Kid's lips, and Tashigi sneered in response.

"I didn't think Trafalgar had invited you," she commented with some decency as she bit back the hangover-induced insults that lay in the back of her mouth, ready to be used. "I mean, the bridesmaid has already been chosen."

Kid's lips curled down into an ugly sneer as Apoo let out a loud guffaw. "Wow, this chick knows how to talk!"

Even Hawkins had to suppress his own smile as he hid his face behind his cards.

_Chances of these two fighting… 69%… chances of copulating in a closet… 96%._

Hawkins smiled mildly as he placed his cards back into his pocket, eyes fleetingly gazing at Kid and Tashigi before he trudged forward. "If you have time to argue, then you might as well stay while I go to see how things are."

Kid gritted his teeth, eyes narrow as he waltzed past Tashigi, annoyance radiating off of him.

Killer whistled quietly. "That was a first."


	6. Friends Come, Go, and Talk Shit

**marriage of alliance**

chapter 6

friends come, go, and talk shit

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"You know, I'm really pissed right now, Smoker," Ace said jovially, fingers idly playing with a toothpick. Smoker didn't pay much attention to the movement itself, but he was surprised a ghost was able to physically touch and use the items of the _real_ world.

Well, whatever. Smoker had seen crazier shit — like this goddamn wedding, and the first sketches of Law's dress. Why did he have to marry someone with a fashion sense of a dead bird.

Smoker lamented this face, huffing out smoke as he mostly ignored Ace's indignant protests to not being invited to the wedding of his 'good pal'.

"I thought we had a thing, you and I," Ace grumbled, arms crossing over his ghostly white chest, eyes narrow as they glared at the Vice Admiral. "Smoke and fire get along well, y'know, so yeah, I thought I'd get invited to my pal's wedding. But instead I had to come out on my own."

"First of all, the wedding invitations haven't been written yet," Smoker grunted, "secondly, how the fuck would we even send anything to you? You're _dead_ as far as I know."

"Tsk tsk, Smoker," Ace waved a finger — very sassy, very annoying — at Smoker's face, and the Vice Admiral felt the gut-deep itch to punch Firefist in the face. Too bad it wouldn't do anything other than make Ace laugh at him even harder. "When there's a will, there's a way."

"That does _not_ make any sense," Smoker protested with a grunt, not wincing when Ace's head hovered closer to his. But he did wince when Ace's hand went through his _head_, and that was the strangest fucking sensation he had had in a long, long while. It was even weirder than the whole Trafalgar kidnapping his heart affair had been.

And _that_ had ended up with him in Tashigi's body, an extra layer to make the situation more uncomfortable. But boobs had been good, he reluctantly acknowledged that — minus the darn back pain that had bothered him at that time. Tashigi really dealt with that shit all the time? Four for her, then. Four for her.

"Well, you _could_ have burnt the invitation or, like, used an Ouja board," Ace grumbled, shoving his hand up and down through Smoker's chest, apparently having the time of his life doing that while occasionally letting out a high-pitched whistle. "Those _do_ work, ya know."

A thick puff of smoke rolled past Smoker's lips as he gave the Fire Fist an exasperated glare. The young man didn't seem to get the hint that he was very much unwanted right at the moment — then again, had he ever been tactful, other than to people that were not Smoker. The Vice Admiral scowled at the thought. Go figure Fire Fist would whine like a baby about missing the chance to ruin Smoker's most important day. Except that the bride — bride-groom? Groom-bride? — was Trafalgar Law, a complication on a whole new level.

Eyebrows twitching, the gruff man sighed. Now Law had gotten into his head, too, even without being around — well, not too close by, anyway. He pulled out one cigar more, lit it, and stuffed it between his lips next to the rest of them, brow knitting in displeasure as Ace's smile widened.

There's only so much shit he could handle right now, and Fire Fist's ghost was not one of them.

"Just so you know, Smoker," Ace began, his teasing lilts fading to make place for a new, serious tone, "it's completely fine if your cigars compensate for something. Size ain't a big deal."

The Vice Admiral nearly choked, teeth gritting around the nicotine sticks jerkily and almost biting them in two halves. "I'm not compensating for anything, Fire Fist."

"It's fine, ya know! S'not like the Trafalguy needs a big cock or anythin', since his ass looks relatively flat and small where I'm looking at…"

"Go fist people, that's all you're good at," Smoker grunted as he stood up and mentally dusted himself off from this fucked-up conversation that he did not need.

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"Cora-san, this is just," Law made a face, "plain _stupid._" He normally wouldn't settle for such a childish word, but this whole ordeal had stopped making sense to him a long time ago, and what he really needed was a bottle of whiskey and maybe Bepo to sleep on.

(The nonexistent gods knew he deserved at least that much.)

"Your marriage is _not_ stupid!" Corazon snapped, large hands coming to rest on Law's shoulders. "The person you're marrying, though — _that _is debatable," he relented when Law quirked an eyebrow at him. "At least it's not Doffy," Corazon added under his breath, a smile full of relief on his lips, and Law choked on air.

Just… what was _wrong_ with everyone?

He had entertained the thought of running away but he knew better than to try to escape from Monkey D. Luffy's rubbery clutches. There was just no winning with that man, as absurd and hopeless as that thought made his situation out to be.

The wedding dress was already in the making — sizes measured, fabric purchased — and Law only found comfort in the fact that there would be feathers to put him at ease, black as the blackest night. (Black as his nonexistent soul, one of the anti-Laws would whisper. [Akainu, quite possibly, considering the hair-graying grief his earlier actions had brought upon the Marines.])

"Cora-san, just _what _have you been smoking with Fire Fist-ya?"

"Silly boy," Cora laughed, lips tilting into a smile, "it's been too long if you think _this_ is embarrassing for you."

_So, you __**are**_ _out to embarrass me?_

Law's lips curled down into a sulky pout, but he didn't have much time to mull over it as the doors to the large hall opened up with a harsh slam.

"Yo, the party's here!"

Law briefly glanced at the ceiling. Despite his very well-grounded atheism, he started to question if there was a god that just loved to fuck with him. Why, Law asked the ceiling, was Eustass "Captain" Kid here _now_ of all times?

And, _fuck_, that was Basil Hawkins and Scratchman Apoo with the damn redhead, were they not?

There were so many mysteries in life — but the most important one, to Law personally, was: how many times did Life have to fuck him up before It was satisfied?

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Kid caught sight of Trafalgar Law almost immediately, and the muted look of absolute horror that flickered in Law's usually inexpressive eyes was enough to make the trip worth it. Almost, anyhow — but he wouldn't be satisfied until he heard the damn story about Law's misery.

"Trafalgar," Kid purred, and by his side, Killer let out a muffled snort-laughter. ("Holy shit, Kid, you _don't_ do that without warning me next time." "Do what?" "_That _fucking sound you just made. It's hilarious." "Shut the fuck up, Killer.")

"Eustass-ya," Law returned, face returning to its usual deadpan, and the… ghost (the fuck?) beside him glanced between them with raised brows. "To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing your deformed mug around here."

"Snappy, are we?" Kid sneered, though the comment regarding his 'deformed' face got to him, and his fingers played with the hilt of his knife. "I simply came to congratulate you on your _marriage, _Trafalgar."

Law's eyes narrowed into slits. "How-"

"It's plastered on every newspaper from New World to the ends of the Blues," Apoo piped in, playing a cheery tune for shits and giggles as he spoke. "The kid here wanted to make sure you're, er, sane. And probably boiling in his own jealousy."

"Shut the fuck up, Apoo," Kid growled just as Law muttered, "Stay silent, Scratchman Apoo."

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Approximately fifteen minutes later, the hall was filled with Kid's obnoxious laughter. "THAT'S FRIGGIN' HILARIOUS," Kid guffawed, hand slapping at his own knee as he struggled to breathe. "Holy shit, that Straw Hat kid is fucking genius. Where is he, anyway? I'm gonna give him a pat in the back for this classy crap."

"He's busy with Black Leg-ya. Arranging the menu, you know." Law pursed his lips. A white lie, really, but he didn't need to set the two idiots together so that they could prank him — again. Though Black Leg and Straw Hat probably were a far worse combination, considering Black Leg's intellect.

"Holy shit," Kid repeated, his laughter dying a little as Law's somber voice got to him. "You're seriously going through with it?" Okay, he was always glad to laugh at Law's expense, because let's face it — it was fucking hilarious. But the concept itself (Trafalgar Law's marriage) was… weird. The hell? He had thought Law would be trying to run off tail between his stick-figure legs. Partly, it had been Law's reaction to this farce Kid had looked forward to the most, but the resignation that radiated off from Law was greatly disappointing.

Holy _shit_, this marriage was actually happening.

No wonder the Marine chick had looked so glum and irritated when she had crossed ways with Eustass Kid and his allies.

"Life is full of surprises, Eustass-ya," Law began, his lips slowly forming a smile as Kid gawked at him. Basil Hawkins, from some distance, hummed thoughtfully.

"It is just as I thought… the news, in the end, were not fake…" Basil had his cards out again, turning a few of them for a reading. "Trafalgar Law and Vice Admiral Smoker…"

"Will you quit it with that bullshit already, Hawkins?" Kid barked out, but Basil ignored him — like always, with an air of complete indifference. "Anyway, shut the fuck up, Trafalgar — like hell you're happy with this bullshit. After that fucking tantrum you pulled on me at Sabaody two years ago, I doubt you'd seriously consider fulfilling other people's expectations of you."

"I consider myself above temper tantrums such as yours," Law drawled, an easy smirk tugging his lips, but irredeemably fake. "Are you quite done laughing at my…" Law faltered as he struggled to get the word out of his mouth. "…marriage yet, Eustass-ya?"

"You know what this calls, right," Kid declared, "_other_ captains of the 'Worst Generation'."

"…You can't be serious."

"Watch me."

"I am, and I still can't believe that you would act that big an asshole—"

"Trust me," Kid grinned, "I _would_ and I fucking will."

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"Smoker-san, you really should cut down on the booze," Tashigi said wearily as she adjusted the thick-framed glasses on her face, but her eyes never shifted to Smoker's forlorn figure at the bar counter. "You're getting married in… what was it… two weeks?" If all the invited even made it to the island on time, anyhow.

"Shut it, Tashigi," Smoker grumbled, "it's not like it's the night before the goddamn wedding." The Vice Admiral took a big gulp from the bottle of rum he had grabbed from the warship earlier — the storage was starting to run low, but in dire need, he'd probably end up stealing from the pirates despite his morals. Whatever, they owed him anyway.

Tashigi was on her fifth vodka shot by then, a pale red tint spreading over her cheeks. If this ordeal hadn't turned her into an alcoholic, well, it surely would in the upcoming two weeks, for sure.

She didn't even want to think about the wedding, or the time _after_ that. Did Smoker-san even have time for a honeymoon?

No, erase that thought, Tashigi. Do _not_ think about Trafalgar Law and Smoker-san spending a honeymoon together doing Navy knows what— (probably each other, her mind supplied, and Tashigi let out a quiet screech.)

"Your parents," Tashigi blurted out, "are they coming?"

"Don't plan to invite 'em," Smoker huffed, rocking the glass between his fingers. "They're not fond of… the idea of same-sex marriage."

"Oh." Tashigi swallowed, blinking as her sight turned blurry for a moment too long. No. She was not emotional over her superior's family life. No.

"'Sides, G5 is like some sorry excuse for a family now," Smoker laughed then his typical, gruff and edgy laugh that scared many soldiers shitless, but not Tashigi. "Pretty sure those guys are more involved than my parents would ever want to be."

"Say, who's _your_ best man?" Tashigi continued to blurt things out, which she would later on be ashamed of. "I swear to Fleet Admiral's goatee, if you haven't thought about that, then I'll—"

"Lay off the vodka, Tashigi," Smoker seemed alarmed by now, his own drunken gaze setting on her. "I'm thinking about it. Kind of. How did this shit even happen to me, I'll never understand."

"Trafalgar sent you a love note," Tashigi said helpfully, a despairing giggle leaving her lips in a soft snort. "Can't say he's much of a poet, however."

"Tashigi, _lay off the vodka."_

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"The chance of a divorce… _15%."_


End file.
